Procrastination

Clearly this post will take a while just based on the tittle.   I had a 4 day weekend this week. I am very guilty to say I have been very unproductive. I have a long to do list, yet I see here and play games on the computer. I write this blog, and I watch TV.  I should be cleaning, organizing, making cards and working on some projects I want to do.   I guess the saying a "body in motion stays in motion" is so true. Case sitting in this chair although comfortable is not leading me to movement.

Lesson Learned

Several months ago I had a craving for a Tootsie Roll. I just let it smolder in my brain for a day thinking the craving will pass by simply ignoring it.  Went about my business doing my daily chores and all the other things one tends to do during a work day.  Again a section of my brain is starting to get louder in my head saying "tootsie roll, tootsie roll.....TOOTSIE ROLL... so I went to the gift shop in the hospital I work. they had everything but tootsie rolls.    At least the trip was not for nothing as the walking counted as exercise.  I had to stop at the drug store on the way home from work so I checked out Rite Aid's candy selection.  They have a bag of tootsie roll midgets,also the bag with all the lollipops etc I think they call its Child's Play or something like that.  No single tootsie rolls to be found. So the next thing I know I have two of those Russell Stover boxes the one's with 4 chocolates in it.  I ate them and enjoyed them but definitely had more calories than the tootsie roll. It also later in the evening had one of the last gallbladder attacks I would have prior to my surgery to remove the gallbladder.  Moral of this story; Just give in an enjoy the craving then move on. and don't look back.   

New Party Tricks

I was thinking about changing my Facebook status to something like. Can someone tell me how to turn off the ball fetching switch on a Jack Russell Terrier cause I was getting tired of playing ball.  Much like Lucy in Charlie Brown "oh dog spit...yuck" and this ball was getting soggy.  At some point in the ball playing moment it hit me. 60 lbs gone means that I can bend over while sitting in the chair and pick something up off the floor. I can even reach a little way under the chair.   It's fun to suddenly realize that I am doing things that I couldn't do before the weight loss. Lots of work left to do but these moments make it seem like a little less work and a little more fun. 

Thanks for reading.  Oh I got a self help book on Procrastination so perhaps I will learn how to post when the content of the blog hits instead of months later....Unless I procrastinate about picking up the self help book about Procrastination.  

Thanks for reading. 

Accountability

is defined by Merriam-Webster as  the quality or state of being accountable; especially : an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions <public officials lacking accountability>. 

I have a strong sense of accountability except where food is involved. I have fabulous intentions of planning out daily intake and  exercise and recording it into my Sparks People (SP) account  "Plan the day and eat the plan". 

I set out every day with this my goal. I seem to find it all goes great , the engine leaves the round house and starts down the track with lots of energy and positive thoughts for the day.

 Breakfast for reasons I haven't figured out yet is when I get derailed. Once derailed that seems to be the moment I unconsciously give myself permission to jump tracks and just see where I end up.  

I have a thought on this and wonder if once food hit's the taste buds my brain gets its fix, and just wants to  bask in the glow of  calories all day.

 So I need to work on changing my brain to find pleasure in other things. Like getting the train back on the tracks  and accomplishing the tasks on that track.   Perhaps its needs to be an express train with no stops leaving no opportunity for derailment. 

 I do think that's probably not a realistic thought as in life there are always derailments, probably best to plan for them. Since I was  born under the sign of Aquarius and with an artist brain I am doomed as what I need is discipline and what I have to work with is more a rebel at its core.  

Since I seem to be finding myself saying more and more to patients "write on a file card your plan for whatever our topic. I should listen to the words that come out of my mouth.  I should pull out my own file cards and write some things that are fun for me while also being  battery recharging, and endorphin creating.

  I will do some research and see what I can discover about myself and what will work. 

A friend and I were talking about safe place's and I commented that I never had one. Later in the week I went back in and told her I do have a safe place. It's within myself. I thought about where do I go when upset. I tend to get quiet,turn inward.  I might go to my bedroom lay down and perhaps have a good cry. I often find myself using a lot of mostly positive self talk( I am a work in process, cant change it all at once.)  a lot of prayer, and looking to my faith to help guide me.  Certainly I used food too but I know that is not healthy.  Since I have been on this journey  I am making much healthier choices even when derailed......that in itself is progress.

The Lost Post: Flunked That Test- Big Time

Today was the holiday pot luck at work.  The kitchen area was filled with all sorts of great food. The next door office was filled with wonderful looking desserts.

  I had my yogurt that I was planning on eating for breakfast and some southwestern stew that I brought for lunch.

 Did I eat my yogurt breakfast or my lunch?

 I am sure you can guess that the correct answers is of course not!!

 Especially once I saw the spot light from heaven shining down on one of my favorite holiday desserts.

I went and found a picture of it. Actually I never knew its name until now. Saltine Toffee.

So this started the day of diet respite. I wasn't shy and I rationalized with the best of them as why it was not going to be the end of the world or my new lifestyle if I just ate what I wanted. I have to say it turned into a marvelous day, with out an ounce of anxiety or for that matter guilt, it was actually fun cause it felt so wrong in those moments when I allowed myself to peek at reality. 

Addiction

Today I think I accidentally stumbled upon some  insight into what a person with an addiction might feel.. I once upon a time thought I probably had a food addiction. I have been known to wait and sneak some food after others have gone to bed. Hey, my mother reminded me the other day, when I was a kid at one point I took a box of vanilla wafers upstairs ate all but 2 of the wafers, returned the box....apparently I was expecting that no one would notice.  Silly me.   When I had the psychological consult that is mandatory prior to the lap band surgery, I was told no I was not suffering  from food addiction.  OK. Good to know on with my story.

My day started out busy, I was working along doing my thing and at about 10 am I thought to myself I would really love a Moose Tracks Ice Cream cone. The cafeteria sells them. I have had one now and then. There very good and the cold from the ice cream feels so good on my often irritated throat.  It's 480 calories.  58 carbs and a small amount of fat, cause I am sure the scoop of ice cream is  premium.

 I thought this is kind of weird craving an ice cream cone at this hour of the day. So I drank some tea and went on with my morning. Then about 11:17 am on my way to the meeting, I run, that I was late for because of a scheduling issue, I noticed I was thinking about the ice cream cone again.

 Went to the cafeteria to get some soup for lunch. Looked at the ice cream cone and said, "no I really can't do that, no to the ice cream cone".

 So back at my desk. working along and dam that intrusive ice cream cone thought is right back rolling around in my head. I drink some tea, have some water, focus on work. Continue on and about 30 min later you guessed it that ice cream cone is right back in the fore thought of my thinking. This is getting just ridiculous.

At this point I notice my leg is going a mile minute, up and down under my desk,  I am actually, I think, feeling real anxiety. What the heck?

 When did I lose my mind?  Time for a trip to the mental health unit at the hospital for an overhaul?  LOL.   OK this is ridiculous. Where is this pull to an ice cream cone coming from and why am I  not doing a better job of controlling it and making it go away? The more the afternoon went on the more pull I felt to this treat and the more anxious I got.

 At one point I thought OK I can see now how someone who is in a full blown addiction can spend all their time going after what they feel they need. Even if its unhealthy for them.  It's really rather a yucky feeling. Intrusive thought process you just cant make go away.

  I ended up needing a hit of caffeine around 3 pm,(oh boy, that sounded like an addicts response, since when do I talk like that....ah never.) to stay awake and focus for the rest of  the day. While I was in the cafeteria  I bought an ice cream cone.  I brought it upstairs, I put my initials on it. I put it in the freezer in the kitchenette on the unit. I no longer was anxious.  I was pleased with myself that I didn't eat the ice cream cone.

 I did wonder why I needed to have the comfort of an ice cream cone in the freezer with my name on it.  What is the comfort of this food item that I couldn't turn the pervasive thought away until  I gave in and purchased one.  Silly little ice cream cone.