Today I think I accidentally stumbled upon some insight into what a person with an addiction might feel.. I once upon a time thought I probably had a food addiction. I have been known to wait and sneak some food after others have gone to bed. Hey, my mother reminded me the other day, when I was a kid at one point I took a box of vanilla wafers upstairs ate all but 2 of the wafers, returned the box....apparently I was expecting that no one would notice. Silly me. When I had the psychological consult that is mandatory prior to the lap band surgery, I was told no I was not suffering from food addiction. OK. Good to know on with my story.
My day started out busy, I was working along doing my thing and at about 10 am I thought to myself I would really love a Moose Tracks Ice Cream cone. The cafeteria sells them. I have had one now and then. There very good and the cold from the ice cream feels so good on my often irritated throat. It's 480 calories. 58 carbs and a small amount of fat, cause I am sure the scoop of ice cream is premium.
I thought this is kind of weird craving an ice cream cone at this hour of the day. So I drank some tea and went on with my morning. Then about 11:17 am on my way to the meeting, I run, that I was late for because of a scheduling issue, I noticed I was thinking about the ice cream cone again.
Went to the cafeteria to get some soup for lunch. Looked at the ice cream cone and said, "no I really can't do that, no to the ice cream cone".
So back at my desk. working along and dam that intrusive ice cream cone thought is right back rolling around in my head. I drink some tea, have some water, focus on work. Continue on and about 30 min later you guessed it that ice cream cone is right back in the fore thought of my thinking. This is getting just ridiculous.
At this point I notice my leg is going a mile minute, up and down under my desk, I am actually, I think, feeling real anxiety. What the heck?
When did I lose my mind? Time for a trip to the mental health unit at the hospital for an overhaul? LOL. OK this is ridiculous. Where is this pull to an ice cream cone coming from and why am I not doing a better job of controlling it and making it go away? The more the afternoon went on the more pull I felt to this treat and the more anxious I got.
At one point I thought OK I can see now how someone who is in a full blown addiction can spend all their time going after what they feel they need. Even if its unhealthy for them. It's really rather a yucky feeling. Intrusive thought process you just cant make go away.
I ended up needing a hit of caffeine around 3 pm,(oh boy, that sounded like an addicts response, since when do I talk like that....ah never.) to stay awake and focus for the rest of the day. While I was in the cafeteria I bought an ice cream cone. I brought it upstairs, I put my initials on it. I put it in the freezer in the kitchenette on the unit. I no longer was anxious. I was pleased with myself that I didn't eat the ice cream cone.
I did wonder why I needed to have the comfort of an ice cream cone in the freezer with my name on it. What is the comfort of this food item that I couldn't turn the pervasive thought away until I gave in and purchased one. Silly little ice cream cone.
