" I want to see what you look like thin

before I die, so losing one  pound a week is going to take years and I am not going to live much longer," these were the words my Mother just said to me over the phone when I called to check in with her. She was here for dinner but wasn't feeling that great. She has COPD and was a little more short of breath then her baseline.

  I am not sure how I feel about this statement of hers.  I think I feel pressure to please. A little guilt that I am in the position that I have to loose so much weight in the first place.  If I hadn't come so far emotionally with self esteem etc this would be the kind of thing that would either have me running to food for comfort or turning anger in on myself.

 Actually as I type this I think and excuse my language but it just "sucks".  What happens if I fail because I am trying to get the weight off faster than my mental status can handle. I swear when it comes to weight and food and overeating it is very much a mental game more than a physical game. I don't know yet the treshold for lossing control and getting triggered to overeat again. I am still a newbie in my recovery and life style change.  Certainly with the lap band as my tool the chances of overeating are less because its harder to do, but its not impossible.

 I wonder why  the 47 + lbs I have already lost can't be good enough. I wonder why  that's not an accomplishment in its own right. I feel its an accomplishment. Hey, I think 10 lbs is an accomplishment in a person who has always used food to soothe because frankly people are not always available to turn too but there is never a time where there is no food. Especially on Thanksgiving.

 Why can't she be happy with me for being me, why can't she see the real me the inner person who has some pretty nice ways and qualities, and was able to make her laugh even when she is talking about her own fears and mortality because when she said "when you get older these will be the things you think about, the things you wont live to long enough to see"  My response was telling her that I expect to be a happily demented person sitting in my nursing home room with hopefully a crayon/pencil and some paper.  Entertaining myself.

 I listen with out judgement and support the best I can.

Does the goal line always have to move just when I get  to the top of the hill and can just about see the goal posts in the distance. ( can you tell I am watching the Patriots game)

This post isn't the one I had originally planned. This post just kind of created itself when I sat down in front of my lap top and put my fingers on the home row.  

Whats running around in my mind at this point is to try for a short time protein shakes for breakfast and lunch and then regular food for supper. Perhaps that will yield more than a pound a week and of course a need to step up the exercise.

I think the word "Pressure Cooker" says it all.

Thanks for reading and bearing with me while I vent.    

It's the little things I notice

but it often takes a while. Like automatically bending over to pick up a pencil I just dropped, having a co-worker then give me a high five because I bent over from my waist and my feet were not 4 miles apart, they were actually almost together.

Realizing after only one piece of pizza tonight that I am full. Instead of eating 4 slices and still wanting more.  Giving up diet soda and coffee and getting into loose leaf tea and flavored waters with out even missing the coffee. I miss the diet soda. That's not to say I wont have a cup of coffee now and then cause its still something I enjoy. I made the transition so easily,  sometimes when I really stop and think about it, I am breathless, all the transitions since July simply takes my breath away.  I have apparently done some letting go.

I am doing things at work that I never thought I would have the opportunity to do. Like running meetings, putting together my first power point presentation. Creative with helping patients problem solve. Enjoying a schedule I have a tiny bit of control over. Finding my potential. Again I have a distance to go as there are moments when I still feel pangs of inadequacy but they are less often and much shorter periods, I think that is normal of the human experience.  So this life style change is really changing all of my life at this moment, no regrets in any of the decisions I have made, even the not so great ones because I have learned something about my self in each of those moments.

Pulling out of the closet some of the clothes I haven't worn in 5 or 6 yrs gives me pause to realize how blessed I am not because I can once again wear these clothes but because of all that's happened in the time span. A loss of a cherished lake front cottage and the acquiring of information that  I was adopted, meeting my biological family while still maintaining a great relationship with my family. That might sound weird but I know what I mean. Giggle.

I can say that I am a published illustrator (Thank you D.Ann Hollon for your faith in me.)  I think I found my art niche, ages 4-7. Let's face it, makes sense because I often eat with a baby fork or spoon now. I eat food that is soft like cream of wheat, yogurt, apple sauce, Italian ice and  thin crackers are my go to foods these days. Seems fitting that my art career,  should go in that direction too.

The dog likes to sleep in my emerging lap. Probably cause I am very soft and squishy as I am not skin and bones, yet.  Probably never be skin and bones but that's just fine with me.  Losing one pound a week is good for me too. This is not a race and I am not in a hurry. I don't care if others think it should be 5 lbs a week.

I am noticing that I am going for vegetables and dairy more than meats and high carbohydrate foods. Oh don't get me wrong I am no goodies two shoes with this diet. I have consumed a whole bag of cheese corn curls one entire weekend. However it was done in portions and not in only one or two sittings.  I ate some cake also enjoyed some pie.

  I vision my thanksgiving dinner plate with a teaspoon of many different things.  It will be interesting to see how reality plays out. I am hoping my eating wont be the focus of the day. I worry my mother with say, can you have that, can you have this... just let me do my thing and I will be fine.

 I am learning what I need to do, like going to a retirement party the other night. I took my thermos of peach momato (blooming tea) with me and leisurely sipped on that all evening. I wasn't hungry, I was happy and content to focus on talking with co-workers and enjoying the surroundings not giving much thought to the food. I did after several people asked if I was going to eat have a bite of chili and a meat ball.  In the past it would have been the first thing I would have wanted to do.  EAT.

I am thinking more about exercise. I am doing it more....it's still an area that needs some work. I am however walking up stairs. I can actually breathe at the top of the stair case but I will admit the arthritis in my knees has not noticed that I have lost weight.

I am very slowly finding my confidence and my voice. There are many area's where I am still shall we say timid, I am a work in progress and I hope to be always learning something new.  I just realized that the timing of this particular post as it speaks to what I am thankful for is perfect as its almost Thanksgiving.  Happy Holidays. I hope you can enjoy the day in the way it works for you.

Thanks for reading.

To Post or Not to Post that is my question?

I am figuring that people reading this particular post are going to think that I am either creative or just plain nuts. The text for this post has been rolling around in my brain for a couple of days and its time for it to get put on faux paper.    It's the voice in my head that I hear when I am sitting at my desk at work, that same voice I hear in the evening when i am sitting here watching TV or working on an art project. It's the voice that suggests I should be eating something. I haven't learned apparently how to turn the voice off now that I have a new life style. The voice nag's and is often providing me with idea's of inappropriate food choices.  I wish I could redirect the voice to say oh your not hungry, you don't need to eat yet. or your doing a great job. Better yet lets have the voice just take a nap or focus on being focused.

 I am beginning to learn that the voice likes to be active when I am bored, when I perhaps want to avoid something. When I want a break but feel like I really just can't sit and do nothing cause we were raised with the thought that you finished your work/chores before you could play.  Sometimes you just need to play cause if you don't you never will because there are too many chores and not enough time to get it all done.  This voice can be unreasonable some times and very unrelenting with its mantra. Food, Food, Food. Sometimes its not worth the hassle of fighting with it. It's ever so much easier to just give in to it. How ever its counter productive to success in weight loss. So lets ponder how one goes ahead and redirects a voice in their head.

So I am off to ponder what needs to be pondered and will have the next blog post focused on solutions for that pesky little voice in my head.

Thanks for reading.