Random Moments of Sillyness.

Picture this:

 I am alone in the kitchen heading to the freezer to grab a small bowl of sherbert. I open the door and exclaim out loud "OH MY GOSH-CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM". I was so excited some one walking into the room would have thought this was the first time I had ever seen this product.  The funny thing. I ate the sherbet.

I was puttering around in my closet looking for a shirt to wear. I found a nice fleece vest just hanging there. So I put it on.  It fit so I thought OK  I am going to wear this today. I had a turtle neck shirt  it would look nice over top. It was a Big Dog's brand and a guys vest   I know they tend to run big.  I was thinking probably size 2 X..  When I looked at the label and it said XL. I said actually out loud. "Well this is weird. I don't wear XL clothes. This must have the wrong label size on it.  Silly girl....apparently I do wear a Men's XL in some things. The level of my disbelief is what took me by surprise.  What a hoot.

I realized the other day that I am drawn to  meatless dishes. My husband, Jonathan asked me what I wanted to have for supper the other night. He is the chef here. I quickly replied. I would love kidney beans, black beans, corn, red and green peppers, celery and some diced tomatoes. Like a stew. He said " no meat"? with out missing a beat I say "right no meat".  "Oh some cumin as a spice would be nice".  It turned out wonderful. We labeled it Southwestern Stew and its now on my favorites list, I think I would be content to eat it for lunch several times a week.  One day while Christmas shopping we had lunch at Longhorn. I ordered Spinach/Artichoke dip with tortilla chips as my meal.  I took a moment to savor the fact that this dish made me very happy and content.   When did I morph into a "kinda vegetarian".. Well I say "kinda" cause lets face it. I will always love bacon, please don't ever take that away from me. I also like eggs and cheese.  It seems odd to me that I am no longer wanting meat.  Perhaps its just to hard to chew and to eat it properly it takes so much longer. 

It's just funny how things sneak up on me and I don't realize whats changed until it becomes like second nature.  Don't pat me on the back yet........cause I do like a moose tracks ice cream cone from the cafeteria at work on the afternoons when i just need some extra calories. LOL. 


Thanks for reading. 

" I want to see what you look like thin

before I die, so losing one  pound a week is going to take years and I am not going to live much longer," these were the words my Mother just said to me over the phone when I called to check in with her. She was here for dinner but wasn't feeling that great. She has COPD and was a little more short of breath then her baseline.

  I am not sure how I feel about this statement of hers.  I think I feel pressure to please. A little guilt that I am in the position that I have to loose so much weight in the first place.  If I hadn't come so far emotionally with self esteem etc this would be the kind of thing that would either have me running to food for comfort or turning anger in on myself.

 Actually as I type this I think and excuse my language but it just "sucks".  What happens if I fail because I am trying to get the weight off faster than my mental status can handle. I swear when it comes to weight and food and overeating it is very much a mental game more than a physical game. I don't know yet the treshold for lossing control and getting triggered to overeat again. I am still a newbie in my recovery and life style change.  Certainly with the lap band as my tool the chances of overeating are less because its harder to do, but its not impossible.

 I wonder why  the 47 + lbs I have already lost can't be good enough. I wonder why  that's not an accomplishment in its own right. I feel its an accomplishment. Hey, I think 10 lbs is an accomplishment in a person who has always used food to soothe because frankly people are not always available to turn too but there is never a time where there is no food. Especially on Thanksgiving.

 Why can't she be happy with me for being me, why can't she see the real me the inner person who has some pretty nice ways and qualities, and was able to make her laugh even when she is talking about her own fears and mortality because when she said "when you get older these will be the things you think about, the things you wont live to long enough to see"  My response was telling her that I expect to be a happily demented person sitting in my nursing home room with hopefully a crayon/pencil and some paper.  Entertaining myself.

 I listen with out judgement and support the best I can.

Does the goal line always have to move just when I get  to the top of the hill and can just about see the goal posts in the distance. ( can you tell I am watching the Patriots game)

This post isn't the one I had originally planned. This post just kind of created itself when I sat down in front of my lap top and put my fingers on the home row.  

Whats running around in my mind at this point is to try for a short time protein shakes for breakfast and lunch and then regular food for supper. Perhaps that will yield more than a pound a week and of course a need to step up the exercise.

I think the word "Pressure Cooker" says it all.

Thanks for reading and bearing with me while I vent.    

It's the little things I notice

but it often takes a while. Like automatically bending over to pick up a pencil I just dropped, having a co-worker then give me a high five because I bent over from my waist and my feet were not 4 miles apart, they were actually almost together.

Realizing after only one piece of pizza tonight that I am full. Instead of eating 4 slices and still wanting more.  Giving up diet soda and coffee and getting into loose leaf tea and flavored waters with out even missing the coffee. I miss the diet soda. That's not to say I wont have a cup of coffee now and then cause its still something I enjoy. I made the transition so easily,  sometimes when I really stop and think about it, I am breathless, all the transitions since July simply takes my breath away.  I have apparently done some letting go.

I am doing things at work that I never thought I would have the opportunity to do. Like running meetings, putting together my first power point presentation. Creative with helping patients problem solve. Enjoying a schedule I have a tiny bit of control over. Finding my potential. Again I have a distance to go as there are moments when I still feel pangs of inadequacy but they are less often and much shorter periods, I think that is normal of the human experience.  So this life style change is really changing all of my life at this moment, no regrets in any of the decisions I have made, even the not so great ones because I have learned something about my self in each of those moments.

Pulling out of the closet some of the clothes I haven't worn in 5 or 6 yrs gives me pause to realize how blessed I am not because I can once again wear these clothes but because of all that's happened in the time span. A loss of a cherished lake front cottage and the acquiring of information that  I was adopted, meeting my biological family while still maintaining a great relationship with my family. That might sound weird but I know what I mean. Giggle.

I can say that I am a published illustrator (Thank you D.Ann Hollon for your faith in me.)  I think I found my art niche, ages 4-7. Let's face it, makes sense because I often eat with a baby fork or spoon now. I eat food that is soft like cream of wheat, yogurt, apple sauce, Italian ice and  thin crackers are my go to foods these days. Seems fitting that my art career,  should go in that direction too.

The dog likes to sleep in my emerging lap. Probably cause I am very soft and squishy as I am not skin and bones, yet.  Probably never be skin and bones but that's just fine with me.  Losing one pound a week is good for me too. This is not a race and I am not in a hurry. I don't care if others think it should be 5 lbs a week.

I am noticing that I am going for vegetables and dairy more than meats and high carbohydrate foods. Oh don't get me wrong I am no goodies two shoes with this diet. I have consumed a whole bag of cheese corn curls one entire weekend. However it was done in portions and not in only one or two sittings.  I ate some cake also enjoyed some pie.

  I vision my thanksgiving dinner plate with a teaspoon of many different things.  It will be interesting to see how reality plays out. I am hoping my eating wont be the focus of the day. I worry my mother with say, can you have that, can you have this... just let me do my thing and I will be fine.

 I am learning what I need to do, like going to a retirement party the other night. I took my thermos of peach momato (blooming tea) with me and leisurely sipped on that all evening. I wasn't hungry, I was happy and content to focus on talking with co-workers and enjoying the surroundings not giving much thought to the food. I did after several people asked if I was going to eat have a bite of chili and a meat ball.  In the past it would have been the first thing I would have wanted to do.  EAT.

I am thinking more about exercise. I am doing it more....it's still an area that needs some work. I am however walking up stairs. I can actually breathe at the top of the stair case but I will admit the arthritis in my knees has not noticed that I have lost weight.

I am very slowly finding my confidence and my voice. There are many area's where I am still shall we say timid, I am a work in progress and I hope to be always learning something new.  I just realized that the timing of this particular post as it speaks to what I am thankful for is perfect as its almost Thanksgiving.  Happy Holidays. I hope you can enjoy the day in the way it works for you.

Thanks for reading.

To Post or Not to Post that is my question?

I am figuring that people reading this particular post are going to think that I am either creative or just plain nuts. The text for this post has been rolling around in my brain for a couple of days and its time for it to get put on faux paper.    It's the voice in my head that I hear when I am sitting at my desk at work, that same voice I hear in the evening when i am sitting here watching TV or working on an art project. It's the voice that suggests I should be eating something. I haven't learned apparently how to turn the voice off now that I have a new life style. The voice nag's and is often providing me with idea's of inappropriate food choices.  I wish I could redirect the voice to say oh your not hungry, you don't need to eat yet. or your doing a great job. Better yet lets have the voice just take a nap or focus on being focused.

 I am beginning to learn that the voice likes to be active when I am bored, when I perhaps want to avoid something. When I want a break but feel like I really just can't sit and do nothing cause we were raised with the thought that you finished your work/chores before you could play.  Sometimes you just need to play cause if you don't you never will because there are too many chores and not enough time to get it all done.  This voice can be unreasonable some times and very unrelenting with its mantra. Food, Food, Food. Sometimes its not worth the hassle of fighting with it. It's ever so much easier to just give in to it. How ever its counter productive to success in weight loss. So lets ponder how one goes ahead and redirects a voice in their head.

So I am off to ponder what needs to be pondered and will have the next blog post focused on solutions for that pesky little voice in my head.

Thanks for reading.

No Choices has morphed into Too Many Choices.

Here is the back ground for this little post:
 In July I had  about 3 outfits or combination of outfits that I could wear.  Even though I adore fashion( a huge fan of Project Runway, love looking up fashion week on the internet and checking out what the designers are creating, love looking at the runway looks for the Hollywood events, I will even watch Joan River's Fashion Police every now and then. Would love to meet Tim Gunn in person someday and would actually like to design my own dress some day-Bucket List Item  #7.) I have never looked to myself to be a fashion statement. I wear what I have, I love the ease of these 3 outfits cause its pick one, put it on and I am out the door. Takes no time at all to get ready to go anywhere.   

As my weight loss increases  my dress size decreases I have taken to Closet Shopping. Closet Shopping is going to the back of my closet, looking for a garment in the size I currently wear. There were a few items I got  that were actually a little small when I opened them Christmas am. So not wanting to part with them I stored them.  Now I can put somethings into service. 

The problem it creates is now I have more options then just the 3 outfits. I have more opportunity for mixing and matching, I have more opportunity to spend more time decision  making over what to wear.  That's the part I should love, spending time on myself, taking some pride in my wardrobe, creating my look.  Except that's the part I hate. Spending time on myself, putting me first. It is simply out of my comfort zone.  I am learning that I prefer the quick grab and go no thought to getting dressed scenario. So I am in this weird place mentally.

 Guess I better get comfortable with the whole me first and being comfortable with taking time to decide what to wear on any given day.  What happens when I am successful and someday I can actually wear a designer dress from one of the outlets. So I guess its get good with making quick clothing decisions.  LOL.

Problem solving: I could just keep my choices small and rotate clothes in and out of the closet like we used to do with the kids toys.

It's an odd time, I say that because I am finding that I am getting more comfortable with the band. More secure in what I can eat and what I can't.  As a result I have started to notice that I am taking a few more liberties with my food choices. I actually had a cupcake the other day as well as a piece of my son's birthday cake.  Being a little more brave with trying new things has a positive and a negative affect . The positive affect is trying more healthy food, like salad, having more choices. The negative affect is that some of those choices could be non healthy foods, Its all about staying in control and on top of the behaviors that have led to weight gain in the past. That is not an easy task, I am sure anyone who has struggled with weight can attest to that.  So its one foot in front of the other and one day at a time.  Not to mention a lot of positive self talk.



Thanks for reading.

Note to self and other Things I Find Interesting

Note to self. 

1. Don't get a pint of sugar free ice cream and think you  will just eat a quarter of it. Apparently  I cant measure appropriately, before I knew it  I had polished off the whole thing. 680 calories isn't great but its also not earth shattering. If it was premium ice cream it would have been deadly. lol  Perhaps this is exactly the reason someone invented the ice cream scoop, to protect one from themselves when eyeball measuring challenged or while simply automatic eating.

2. There may have been a reason that you couldn't find the basket of chocolate chip cookies at work. It might have been because they are not on your Forever Diet and  God/Higher Power(what ever you believe) was protecting you from your self. Knowing that you were just bored with the prospect of another cup of Yogurt  and also knew that your rationalization of honoring a  friend, eating a cookie that someone made for her birthday,  not the best choice in honoring your friend when a card or a hug would have been just as nice even better.  Instead of searching for these missing cookies all around the department your time would have been better used by saying a prayer of thanks and praise that once again you were being protected from yourself.

3. It really is OK  to toss out the second pair of pants what wont support the weight of your beeper and fail to stay in the upright position when walking.  Last thing I want to do is accidentally flash my underwear while walking down the hall in the work place, store or even walking into my house, Even if I have painstakingly color coordinated my granny panties to match my pants or my shirt..

4. It's very appropriate to take a moment even if to myself to applaud the fact that  I could actually fit comfortably into the chair at a recent conference I attended,   It's not bragging if its just a moment and the celebration is low key to not bring tons of attention to myself or any attention for that matter. These are milestones, rewards from all the hard work and can be cherished even if I am the only one that is aware.  I have always tried very hard to be unassuming and not in someones face with stuff. Humble. I don't want to loose that and become obnoxious but also I think there are times one can appropriately put themselves out there, a little attention for the right reason I am thinking is OK.  Feel free to let me know if I have this concept all wrong.

5.  I learned today that when I am foraging for food its probably because I am bored, avoiding something(? housework) or have a craving that I am not satisfying. Perhaps its going to be better in the long run to have what I want either a little or a lot. My a lot is still much less than its ever been, thank you lap band. I think otherwise I end up eating a lot of little things, while all very healthy  still have some calories that over time would add up.


I guess that is it for now. Don't want to overwhelm.  Thanks for reading.

Never thought I would say this

in a million years.   I went back to exercise class today. and actually found that the 40 minutes passed very quickly, with minimal creaking of the joints and objection from my muscles. Still no endorphin high but cant have everything now can I.

 Apparently shedding some weight has made a difference. Who would have thought that, certainly not I. Kind of funny when I think about it.  Duh moment. Of course it should make a difference less weight, less stress on the body organs and joints.   Guess I was in what you call Denial.

 We did a fast 3 mile Leslie Sansone walking tape.  We started doing this class about 2 yrs ago. The participants have come and gone as the time has passed. We usually meet in one of the conference rooms that have been cleared for exercise after work.  Pop a tape in the DVD and away we go. Sometimes we  did a Taebo tape, once we did a Dancing with the Stars tape but too may steps to learn. Richard Simmons has entertained us several times when someone brought in a few of his tapes.

My usual comment was at the one mile mark, I would say " Just leave me where I drop" " Feel free to step over or around me, please no CPR, I have no regrets in life.. " Once the Taebo tape started with a 6 lap around the room jog.  My mantra was " are you guys trying to kill me. "  You see I was probably the heaviest person in the exercise class.  So I was moving some bulk around that room. Thus your trying to kill me comments. of course we all know it was just in jest cause I do like to make people laugh.

I am not sure that I am ready for the Taebo tape yet. Here is why-  a little back ground first, the lap band has a port attached to it, so it can be filled with small amounts of saline, first weekly x 6, then monthly. At some point the "fills" stop and then my understanding is if I reach a plauteau and my weight loss stops, before I am at goal.  I can have another fill. Of course that would be after I have upgraded to another level of exercise.  Something to look forward too.....not so much-giggle.  On with the story

  I am a little worried about some of the bending exercises of the Taebo tape because of this port. I know there is nothing I can do to damage it. I should really just get over the mental concern and do a tape and see what happens.

 How do I know I cant do any damage to it?  Well.... I got so excited about a pair of jeans I haven't worn for years that I wore them to the range for a morning of target practice with my Sig Sauer Mosquito with the fuchsia handle. One of the things we do is" police our brass" (pick up the empty shells that exit the firearm after you shoot a round) when we are done. I went to bend over and found the jeans to be pretty tight at the waist, to the point actually where I couldn't bend over so I got creative and did some lunge type movement to pick up my brass. Exercise right?  Feel free to laugh cause it had to have looked pretty comical for anyone watching. Then the thought occurred to me. Oh crap the port !!!!! hope I didn't do any damage to it. It was pretty tender for a day or two after . I will say from time to time I do feel some tenderness, so at my next "fill" I asked the surgeon, leaving out my story of course" He said no its to deep for me to do any damage.  Phew.   I will update you on the result of the Taebo experience once I do it. 

Thanks for reading.


Spoiler Alert:

 if your faint of heart or hate pictures of medical type stuff- close your eyes now. Or hit the scroll button and scroll really fast past these pictures.  Seemed easier just to post a couple of pictures so you know what I am talking about.    Here goes:  Thanks to Google Images for these pictures and the web sites they lead to, which I did not explore. .

New Party Tricks.

Here is where I really put my self out there on that limb I so often find myself hanging off. You would think I was a risk taker but really I am not.  I just think periodically  the inner skinny person gets control and says "Oh heck just go for it" while the fat person sits in the back ground shaking and eyes closed cause she is certain this wont end well. LOL

. I say inner skinny person cause when I got my adoption info the description of me was "2 weeks premature, 4 lbs, 4 0z with small features and china doll appearance, named Wendy"  " Who was orignally checked out by the Lund Home's staff psychiatrist before being sent to the local hospital" I am not sure why being checked out by a psychatirst first and not a ob/gyn doc strikes me as so funny but it does. I kinda like not following the traditional rules as they say. Perhaps that explains my occasional bending of rules but never breaking them.  Certainly now I know why I am usually early for everything...some things just never change no matter how old you get.

There are a lot of things that people with normal body weight don't give a second thought about doing. They perhaps take for granted they can easily do normal everyday things with ease. I am sure if I was of normal weight I would be the same way.

Reality is I am not, so there are things that I have to think about, like walking into a room and seeking out the chair that will hold me or is at least armless.  If there is none, then I need to figure a reason why I am still standing up when someone says here is a chair. Perhaps its best to sit on the floor. How do you explain that with out saying, " I am just to afraid to sit in your chair cause if it breaks under my weight, I will feel horrible and my already low self esteem will take a huge beating even if you the owner don't even care that the chair is broken."  Even the really small rest room stalls can be a challenge.

 How about bending over to tie your shoes. Um not with any grace. It ends up being what can I put my foot on to get it closer to my arms cause I cant reach that far around all this insulation, that would be fabulous if I lived in the ocean or perhaps Alaska but not so much here.

 Ever pulled up to a gas pump, leaned down to pull the gas cap opener then getting out of the car. Sure you say.  My response, I have to get out of the car, turn around pull the gas cap lever then proceed with the task at hand.

 How about going out to dinner or a buffet and thinking "oh I bet they are saying look at the fat person who ordered dessert, or look at how full her plate is, or I wonder how much food she will put on her plate.  Don't tell me you haven't ever had that thought, cause from time to time, even I have had that thought.

 How about going shopping with all your ideal body weight family or friends, spend a day at the mall. They want to spend 3 hrs looking at clothes in a store that the only thing you could possibly wear is earring, bracelet or socks. Since you love them and are interested in spending time with them, you spend the 3 hours helping them decide what they want and even though there might be a tiny moment or two of  feeling bored or my famous feeling left out,( yes that's the broken thinking I have lived with all my life,  yes now I know why, simply a different gene pool,what a liberating feeling, like an orange growing up with apples,  Never guessed it would be that, pretty much convinced myself over the years  I was just crazy and an odd duck,) you have a good time.

I could go on for hours and hours with all the different things but lets face it you the reader would be bored and I the typist would have carpel tunnel. I am sure if you use your imagination you can think of a few.

So when I say I have a new "Party Trick" it refers to the things I can now do after some weight loss that I couldn't do before. Like sitting in a chair bending down and tying my shoes, or giving myself a pedicure.  I can  put my leg up into my lap, yes I am even starting to have a very tiny tiny lap.   I can reach down and pull the lever for the gas cap.

I notice I am walking a little faster. Still get short of breath but I might just have to chalk that up to my asthma, give in and use my inhaler pre exercise.  I can climb a flight of stairs and still able to talk at the top.  :-)    

So those days when I am hungry and want to eat everything in sight. I take a moment to be mindful of all the positives and ask myself do I really need those extra calories.

Lets now go a little further out on the limb. I am ashamed to admit there was a time I thought that gastric bypass and lap band surgery were really a cheat or easy way to loose wt.  Well I was wrong.seeking forgiveness, that thinking was a mistake. I now know that these surgery's are simply tools used to assist behavior modification in making the appropriate changes for success. Its very clear that if you dont do the behavior modification and change ways of thinking and dealing with food, you wont lose an ounce. Well maybe one ounce but surely not two.

Thanks for reading...........

.

Support

often comes from the people you least expect to be supportive.Such a wonderful surprise.  On the other hand the people you feel might be supportive, a cheerleader, because they love you, often just don't get it.

 *  Here is the conversation that took place today. . I was visiting with a family member  who said to me" How much weight have you lost"?.. I told her "30 something pounds" I am trying not to focus on numbers. Just being healthy.  She asked " how many lbs a week I was losing"?. I reply-ed" about 2 lbs a week".  She said "oh my no you really should be losing 5 lbs a week!  After all I did when I was on weight watchers". Thanks Mom your kind supportive words, means a lot.

I am blessed as I have a lot of friends and family that are very supportive Thank you, Thank you. . I know Mom is too in her own way i just wish she wasn't so focused on the numbers.

Exercise- I will admit that I get swept in the self talk telling myself  I have to much work to do or that I have  various aches or pains, some reason why it really isn't a good idea to exercise. My inner voice however is more persuasive as a result I exercise.I will give voice to the fact that yes once its over i am glad I did the workout..  I have it all planned out on paper. 3 days of strength training and 3 days of Cardio leaving me one glorious day off a week.

What I want to know is what do I have to do to get the endorphin high that everybody tells me you get from exercise. I have yet to feel anything other than sweaty, hot, with my achy muscles telling me that they are not happy with my behavior. The muscles usually have the gall to keep telling me for hours after I have completed a work out.  I do wonder if perhaps I need to experience a high of some kind to recognize what I should be feeling, this elusive endorphin high.I keep hoping with each workout it will get easier. So far that would be a no.

My favorite exercise is water jogging. I actually thought it was something I just kind of made up cause my knees are happy with out the effect of gravity. I went to log in exercise on (the web site that must not be named) and it was there. So I typed it into Google to see what their interpretation was cause I wanted to see if my idea matched with others. I wore ankle weights in the water(of course said weights were not approved for water), they were wrist weights I put around my ankles. After a little while the stuff inside that gave the weight started to leak rust, thinking that wasn't such a great thing for the weights or the pool, I gave the weights my thanks and put them to rest. When I did the Google search they showed a person jogging in the water with no weights. Guess that means they are not necessary. Yea.

Thanks for reading.......

Unstitched

Long weekend lots of traveling. A couple of things surfaced for me:

One was a disposable suture that didn't dispose of it self  as designed,  instead it migrated to the surface. Where it kept getting caught on my shirt,( now kids/adults don't do this at home-decided I better add a disclaimer) so this nurse took matters into her own hand and pulled the suture, all 2 inches of it. Looked like fishing line, which caused me to think of my brother in law and his uncle  talking of fishing this weekend. Would love to go Salmon or Trout fishing some day. Whoops off track.   So far no ill effects from my surgical skills which are nill. In fact my pain is less and my incision is less red so I think perhaps that was the appropriate thing to do.

Two breakfast baskets were delivered to my sister in law so they were overrun with bagels.  Oh how I miss bagels. Especially toasted with butter plus or minus the cream cheese doesn't matter.

Oh hey a new rule-its OK to drool. When we stopped for lunch the diner had a fabulous bakery. While Hubby paid the bill I looked at all the stuff in the cases. Wow it was loaded with beautiful desserts.  That's when it hit me I can enjoy the beauty of the desserts. . I can at least window shop as long as I don't buy anything...and I don't  care if I look like my great nephew Simon (4 months) or my great niece Gabby (3 months) if I want to drool I will. Of course we can hope I have better control of my drool as I am supposed to be an adult.

Three- if your with family you can get thru anything. Even though we gathered to celebrate the life of our loved one, we were all together. So many of the cousins had not been together in person for a long time. It was just so wonderful to see these adults all together playing ball and seeming like there was never any time apart or distance between them at all.

Four-I seemed to have forgotten that I had major surgery because  when I was completely exhausted, sore, and stiff from sitting in the back seat last night. I wondered why!.  Absolutely laugh cause its funny.

So tomorrow its back to work and we will see how our new normal progresses.

more later....
thanks for reading. 

A couple of days at the beach/Getting the feel of the new life style.

Here are some random thoughts of traveling for the first time post lap band surgery. These thoughts are in no particular order. Perhaps if I hadn't gotten stuck with a case of procrastination you might have seen this sooner.  So lets see if my notes will help jog my memory and not run across a few words and stop, scratching my head saying "now what did I mean by that".

* I think restaurants should have lap band/gastric bypass portions. Perhaps the menus could be regular portion, mid sized portion and really small portion. Maybe like the auto industry names their cars. Luxury, midsized and compact.

*A friend told me I would be leaving food on my plate, especially when eating out. It took about 2 seconds at the end of the meal to realize that I don't like leaving food on my plate. it feels wasteful, perhaps you know whats coming next! I kept hearing my mothers voice in my head saying finish your meal there are starving kids out there that would love this food. Thanks Mom...I have to say that made eating out kind of a bummer. Something I used to love and adore now offered a tinge of anxiety. We were on the seacoast of Maine. There was always the option of eating off a kiddie menu. I could make some believe I am under 12 right?  Perhaps in my dreams!  There is the share a plate option. I got the vibes that my husband is not really keen on sharing a plate.Understand that could just be some broken thinking on my part. What we ended up discovering was a lobster roll was almost a perfect food. It was small quantity. I could tell them to hold the fry's and chips.The other thought was soup. The old stand by of the Egg Salad.

*One of the fun parts of eating out for me was lingering over a menu making my decision of what to eat. After the 2nd dining out experience I realized this would be a different kind of fun. The first thought when a menu was handed to me was "Oh crap what can I order/ eat that's ok and with the mindfulness of lets not be wasteful.

*I think probably once or twice in our lives we could relate to the walking out of our pants comment. I had gotten a pair of shorts that were admittedly a little loose around the waist when I purchased them. Well I put them on and at first things were perfect. Very comfy pair of jean shorts. I hadn't worn jean shorts in forever. Apparently I must have lost some weight between the purchasing of the pants and the wearing of  the pants cause with every step it felt like in about 3 steps they were going to be around my ankles and I would get to experience air flow where there used to be pants. Feel free to continue to laugh because yes I have almost walked right out of a pair of pants that had an elastic waist band malfunction.  So here I am walking around the rocks at Nubble Light with a finger in a belt loop with visions of suspenders dancing in my  head.

*I have been told when embarking on this type of life style change that i will suddenly start to notice the eating behaviors of those around me. I can relate to that with the dreaded croutons in someones salad. Crunch, Crunch.  What I have noticed that food names have gone with the wind. Its now protein, starch, non starch. Life by food group.

*I have to say it was great fun having a bathing suit that fit better. I completely enjoyed laying on the beach reading 50 Shades of Grey. Ok thats subject for another blog. I am getting an education I wont ever use. I do think it would have been fun to bring a shovel and created myself a sand chair. I could lay down on my belly but getting up posed a bit of a trick. 

*I have been to the ocean tons of times. There was a storm on the coast and the waves were excellent, if only I could surf, where is that boogie board when you need one. The water was great. I have always love the ocean even at its coldest. I walked into the water and a wave hit. I thought holy molly  am I weak. I better not fall down or I will get swept out to sea. I dont remember ever having that feeling before in the ocean waves. I even asked hubby"hey are these waves more powerful then we have ever seen them" He replyed "yes" and I relaxed a bit cause I thought ok it's not just me the million pound weakling.

*Cool discovery I can reach down and actually grab my purse on the car floor with out making sure the strap is over my knee.  Thinking lots of you just take this ability for granted. Also found I wasn't so focused on what chair in the room might hold me.  

*Got to wear a pair of pants I have never worn cause they were already to small when a friend bought them for me for a $1.00 at a sale.

more later.....
thanks for reading.

Road Trip to the Mall or Wicked bad idea?

Today started oddly enough with my getting an email from the online site I use to keep track of exercise, calories and water intake. Three things struck out to me in that email. " Did you only have 600 calories all day, do you know how to count? and remember to record all your food intake, if you don't you may find you wont be successful with weight loss. Ok WSTMNBN( web site that must not be named.). Yes, I only had 600 calories yesterday, no I am not purposefully or accidentally withholding data from you.  You just don't know the rest of the story.

It's our 32nd wedding anniversary today. We are not big on celebrating anniversary's so I marked the occasion by making us scrambled eggs. I know just too exciting for words.  It was a very yummy breakfast.

The plan for the day determined a few days ago was a trip to Manchester to check out the Mall on NH for a suit for my son Chris. I was asked to come along to get out of the house, fresh air, change of scenery . It was funny because they wanted me along for the ride but when we arrived at the Mall they were like OK you can do your errands, I had mentioned somethings I wanted to purchase at AC Moore.

 I was surprised at how tired I felt even only walking for 10 min around the store. It's interesting when I realized that since surgery I haven't actually been standing up straight cause of the pain. Just cause of the location of the incisions, right smack in the middle of the core muscles.  Not finding the suit they wanted we soon departed and ended up at a different Manchester store. This time I got to shop with them. Picked out a gorgeous tie that really makes the charcoal suit/ grey shirt pop. 

We stopped for lunch at Burger King. My meal was a small Mango/Banana frappe. I observed that prior to surgery I would have been more than happy to have a large frappe and probably been wanting more when I was done.  WOW.  The boys had burgers and fries. The shake was wonderful. Should be its low fat but full of carbohydrates.

 This was my test how do you deal with  a confined car with all those smells. I am still amazed how strong my sense of smell has become since choosing not to eat food.

 I had decided that I would adapt a one bite rule for desserts and foods that I adore but shouldn't really have because of calories, fats etc.  Well I have added to that rule the 4 french fry rule. I had said to the front seat occupants that I thought 2 fries could make their way to the back seat occupant. What harm can 2 french fries do? I understand there is no nutritional value in a french fry but there is flavor value which in my eyes carries the same if not more quality of life.

 I sat in the back seat, leaned my head against the car door, closed my eyes and just savored the burger smells, I swear I could smell each component. Heavenly, I keep telling my self that. Smelling is better than eating.   At one point 2 more fries migrated to the back seat and it struck me. I know just how the dogs feel, sitting, panting waiting for the treat to come there way.  Was quite a Revelation!!!.

I will say the Road Trip to the Mall was not a wicked bad idea, turned out to be a good idea. I will say that as a recovering from surgery person, that because I didn't have a baseline for comparison I really don't know I have done to much until it's too late, I have done to much and already starting to notice the fatigue.  Whoops. I was pretty well done in for the rest of the day. Its all about learning something new every day. 

Tonight's supper was an adventure in chewing. Surgeon told me to practice chewing so when i was offered 2 oz of chicken I wasn't going to say no. I find my self thinking of food portions in terms of tsp/tbsp/oz. Instead of cups, plates, and lbs. Tonight's supper actually looked like a real meal. I am starting to be an adult as I can portion out baby bites with an adult utensil..

Coming unglued-literallly

I was sitting in the chair minding my business and I felt something weird itchy feeling. I decided to check my incisions cause why not. Did I tell you the incisions are set up like a baseball diamond with all the bases and a left outfielder who is admittedly not as far out in the field as he should be, I am not the coach so this time we will let it ride.  Home base is having the glue lift up. The incision looks healed. I don't think I have to worry about splitting open and having things get gory..

Today had a lot of first's for me as a post surgical patient or someone recovering from surgery. . A tiny summer squash from the garden had been picked and hubby surprised me with a bowl of boiled summer squash with a hint of butter for breakfast.. Surgeon said I should practice chewing these next 2 weeks so this seemed very fitting way to start.  We did giggle a little that it seemed sneaky cause technically I have to wait a few more days before solid stuff.  I am getting the hang of chewing. I thought I had learned that long ago as a child but there is always opportunity to learn to do things better. Also relearning to drink fluids. Again something I figure I had graduated with the appropriate knowledge when my mother stopped giving me a sippy cup.  Wrong. The thing to learn in this situation is to hold fluid a half hr before meals until a half hr after meals. The rest of the time is sip fluids slowly. So how much is to much?, how much is to little?. I learned the hard way that a couple of gulps is the wrong way.....chest pain is the tip off that I goofed.  Small sips equal not getting enough liquid in a day.  Oh its a dance, or in homage to the Olympics a bit of a balance beam routine. Some some told me sip,1000, sip 2000........ then stop for a bit. So far that seems to work the best.

Egg salad seems to be the best of salads, tuna is a no. Bye bye tuna salad unless its had lots of mayo...but doesnt that defeat the diet aspect of this journey?   I was able to drive myself to Keene, I feel like such a grown up despite my child like food portions and food consistency. Funny thing about abdominal surgery you don't realized the muscles involved until its to late. It actually dawned on me today that I am actually starting to stand up straight.

Today's trip to Keene was to go to the phone store and get the upgrade that was due. Rest of us were also due so it was a volume new phone day. Hubby and I now have the same phone. different covers. I have the girlie pink cover and he has the manly black.  I think this is great because as we get in age hopefully we will each remember something different about the phone so together we can be one knowledgeable person.   The boys went and got lunch at the near by Burger King while I finished the phone business and waiting for my phone to have its contacts etc transferred over. Donated the old phone. The boys brought me a chocolate shake.  So decadent.  The part that struck me funny, not ha, ha, but interesting was the fact the shake was a small and I could only manage half of it. I remember the day, not so long ago where I would order a large enjoy it and still want more.  I do marvel at the change in attitude, behavior toward food and some other things.   I will admit that when I got home I pretty much crashed. Was very happy to sit and veg in the chair the rest of the day.

Til the next time,...

The First Outing

I did not drive myself to my post op appointment as I bet some who know me, would have expected me to do.  Actually in all honesty I felt a little woozy, I think, cause was lack of fluid as there were no pain medication's on board. I decided to hold the pain med this am, to see just how much energy and pain a trip to Keene would offer me.  Plus I thought it good to be clear headed since I was going to be in public.

 The appointment went well. a few more pounds lost, the incisions all healing well. Discussed next appointment. I offered a few tips to the surgeon to tell patients at their informational meeting (have folks visit the pool  and/or do abdominal muscle strengthening exercises (cause I know thanks to my year of exercise and my recent months of sit up motions in the pool) my muscles were strong enough to endure the attack to my muscle fibers surgery brings, frankly without having done that I don't think I would have been able to get out of bed with out a crane or lifting assistance hour 4 of recovery.

I got to spend some time visiting with my friends at work on Team A and with the Live Free Study staff. It was nice to see them,  we all laughed about various things that were happening  in my short tenure as a patient.  Whoops they sent me home with no pain med. Had to call in to see if I should have it.  Yes it was something I should have on hand. :-)

 OK., here is where I need to say that I better start listening to my own advise. I tell patients all the time write your questions down and bring them with you to the appointment so you don't forget to ask them.  Guess what?  You guessed it- I had to call back this afternoon to ask if I was cleared for swimming. Which I am by the way.

 Perhaps the ocean is in my future this week. I feel like I should say LET THE VACATION BEGIN and I will as long as its ok if I still chill out cause as well as I am doing. (Lets take a moment to praise God/Higher power/whatever works for you)

 I got home from the appointment and was happy to do nothing more than surf the net for some information for my sister that  i can't seem to find and watch the Olympics and dine on 6 oz of tomato aspic with out the cabbage/carrot's etc.

Perhaps later when its time to feed again I will try a minute bit of horse radish and I can have the cocktail sauce with out the shrimp experience.  Tomorrow will be dining on Greek yogurt .(doing my happy dance) and I have some sugar free pudding and some orange jello I can make.  I am going to have  trouble when it comes to real food, cause it will be so boring, that I might just continue this diet for infinity.

Thanks for reading

They are having beautiful chef salads and I am having no sugar custard......

that hardly seems fair. I can't believe I want to just sob  because I can't eat a salad. My gosh I had wonderful sugar free cherry jello for breakfast, I even got to have cream of wheat( runny) with1/4 mashed tangerine for lunch. Where do I even come off complaining with that type of dinning experience.

 Do you know how much fun it is to listen to others chew solid food!  Well let me just say its INTERESTING. However, a cross I shall bear in silence cause I have chosen to not eat food.

 Therapy...I am going to need lots and lots of therapy....more therapy then any insurance will ever cover for one person.

I have never before, and I have been married for 32 yrs heard the fork hitting the bowl or all the other ghastly sounds coming from the person sitting next to me.  Go on liquids for a month plus and I assure you it will open up an entire world of observation. 

One last note before I close....beware of the croutons THEY CRUNCH,.

Post-Op meds and blogging...lets see how this goes.

Finally.......

Got the ratio of HMR shake powder, ice, and water to get the perfect replication of a coffee coollata with out the calories, coffee or coollata syrup. LOL  The simple joys in the life of presurgery diet.   I have the say the hamburger cooking earlier and the english muffin being toasted were fabulous smells.......I believe my sense of smell is so much more intense now that I have chosen not to eat food.

  The tip I have for today (thinking maybe I should include one in each post) is take 2 cups of mashed cauliflower set aside, take the 6 oz of water the cauliflower was steamed in, add HMR vanilla shake powder and stir. Then add nutmeg and cinnamon. It ends up being like a rice pudding.

Rib's Yummy

Celery ribs that is. Did you think I meant beef or pork ribs!  

The Call of the Tootsie Roll/Fun with diet products.

I decided a while back after a work out where I was especially short of breath, that it was time to get on the stick and loose some of this weight I have put on over the years. Then my niece announced her wedding date and it hit me that I could be the heaviest person at the wedding. Some folks will be there that I have never met, I don't to embarrass or to feel  embarrassed anyone. 
 The goal is not the number of pounds lost but will be the fact:
             *that I will be able to exercise without being so short of breath. 

             *I wont have to look around the room twice when entering to find out which chair will hold me.

        *Plus so many other reasons I wont bore you with. 

So I decided that my dieting and exercising were not enough. I kept a stable weight for a year. Clearly more needed to be done. So its time for a tool. The tool I chose was Lap Band surgery.  I will spare you all the details of the particulars.  Just to say my stomach will be the size of my thumb and I have to learn to take baby bites, with a baby fork and spoon and chew, chew,chew.

Where does the Tootsie Roll come in you are asking?  Well the week before I had to go on the before surgery shrink my liver, just drink 6 HMR shakes a day diet and oh ya I can have 2 cups of cooked non starch vegetables a day. (There is a one shake a day meal substitute but I refuse to give in to it. LOL)  Whoopee!!!!!!!!  I could not get enough Tootsie Rolls.  It was the weirdest craving I ever had.  It was like I had a Tootsie Roll tape worm.  

The first day I was on shakes I went to make one I was not prepared, I did not have a shaker cup. So I decided to use a folk cause the package said I could if I didn't have a blender. Well as it was fast approaching the time I should be leaving for work so I didn't have time for blender get it dirty and clean it up.  I also decided that I could add coffee to the chocolate  shake cause the recipe said I could.  So I mix it up and take a drink......and the flavor is good but the lumpiness is quite undesirable. So that's my first encounter....... fun with diet products. 

At this moment I am about 2 weeks in and I have discovered that if you want, you can have a lot of fun getting really creative with what you put together for a shake. Chocolate shake mix blended with sugar free cherry jello powder, gives you the flavor of a chocolate covered cherry.  Chicken soup mix with brocoli and seasonings will make a facsimile of brocholi soup.   I also discovered that you have to be wary of an explosion if you put hot coffee in your mug, the HMR vanilla and shake.   If you use the whole package of sugar free jello mix, not much water and quite a bit of ice you get the consistency of cake batter.   Yummy.. You can also if you are doing an experiment that goes wrong....make a HMR vanilla powder the consistency of frosting but I couldn't think of anything I could frost at the time.  To bad they don't have olive flavoring cause I suppose if they did I could have stuffed a celery.  Celery I will not be able to eat post surgery, its threads can get stick above and below the band....this causing an issue.  

My last thought of todays post will be how interesting it is to find out that my favorite raspberry plants are out of reach. Oh I could climb thru the flower bed, poor flowers would be crushed or I could climb the rock wall but just my luck I would slip get scratched up and have to cancel surgery. To much as gone in to coverage at work and planning that I couldnt take the risk. I feel next year they wont be around because hubby has gotten in the habit of mistaking my beloved raspberry plants for his despised black berry bushes.

Til later......