Procrastination

Clearly this post will take a while just based on the tittle.   I had a 4 day weekend this week. I am very guilty to say I have been very unproductive. I have a long to do list, yet I see here and play games on the computer. I write this blog, and I watch TV.  I should be cleaning, organizing, making cards and working on some projects I want to do.   I guess the saying a "body in motion stays in motion" is so true. Case sitting in this chair although comfortable is not leading me to movement.

Lesson Learned

Several months ago I had a craving for a Tootsie Roll. I just let it smolder in my brain for a day thinking the craving will pass by simply ignoring it.  Went about my business doing my daily chores and all the other things one tends to do during a work day.  Again a section of my brain is starting to get louder in my head saying "tootsie roll, tootsie roll.....TOOTSIE ROLL... so I went to the gift shop in the hospital I work. they had everything but tootsie rolls.    At least the trip was not for nothing as the walking counted as exercise.  I had to stop at the drug store on the way home from work so I checked out Rite Aid's candy selection.  They have a bag of tootsie roll midgets,also the bag with all the lollipops etc I think they call its Child's Play or something like that.  No single tootsie rolls to be found. So the next thing I know I have two of those Russell Stover boxes the one's with 4 chocolates in it.  I ate them and enjoyed them but definitely had more calories than the tootsie roll. It also later in the evening had one of the last gallbladder attacks I would have prior to my surgery to remove the gallbladder.  Moral of this story; Just give in an enjoy the craving then move on. and don't look back.   

New Party Tricks

I was thinking about changing my Facebook status to something like. Can someone tell me how to turn off the ball fetching switch on a Jack Russell Terrier cause I was getting tired of playing ball.  Much like Lucy in Charlie Brown "oh dog spit...yuck" and this ball was getting soggy.  At some point in the ball playing moment it hit me. 60 lbs gone means that I can bend over while sitting in the chair and pick something up off the floor. I can even reach a little way under the chair.   It's fun to suddenly realize that I am doing things that I couldn't do before the weight loss. Lots of work left to do but these moments make it seem like a little less work and a little more fun. 

Thanks for reading.  Oh I got a self help book on Procrastination so perhaps I will learn how to post when the content of the blog hits instead of months later....Unless I procrastinate about picking up the self help book about Procrastination.  

Thanks for reading. 

Accountability

is defined by Merriam-Webster as  the quality or state of being accountable; especially : an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions <public officials lacking accountability>. 

I have a strong sense of accountability except where food is involved. I have fabulous intentions of planning out daily intake and  exercise and recording it into my Sparks People (SP) account  "Plan the day and eat the plan". 

I set out every day with this my goal. I seem to find it all goes great , the engine leaves the round house and starts down the track with lots of energy and positive thoughts for the day.

 Breakfast for reasons I haven't figured out yet is when I get derailed. Once derailed that seems to be the moment I unconsciously give myself permission to jump tracks and just see where I end up.  

I have a thought on this and wonder if once food hit's the taste buds my brain gets its fix, and just wants to  bask in the glow of  calories all day.

 So I need to work on changing my brain to find pleasure in other things. Like getting the train back on the tracks  and accomplishing the tasks on that track.   Perhaps its needs to be an express train with no stops leaving no opportunity for derailment. 

 I do think that's probably not a realistic thought as in life there are always derailments, probably best to plan for them. Since I was  born under the sign of Aquarius and with an artist brain I am doomed as what I need is discipline and what I have to work with is more a rebel at its core.  

Since I seem to be finding myself saying more and more to patients "write on a file card your plan for whatever our topic. I should listen to the words that come out of my mouth.  I should pull out my own file cards and write some things that are fun for me while also being  battery recharging, and endorphin creating.

  I will do some research and see what I can discover about myself and what will work. 

A friend and I were talking about safe place's and I commented that I never had one. Later in the week I went back in and told her I do have a safe place. It's within myself. I thought about where do I go when upset. I tend to get quiet,turn inward.  I might go to my bedroom lay down and perhaps have a good cry. I often find myself using a lot of mostly positive self talk( I am a work in process, cant change it all at once.)  a lot of prayer, and looking to my faith to help guide me.  Certainly I used food too but I know that is not healthy.  Since I have been on this journey  I am making much healthier choices even when derailed......that in itself is progress.

The Lost Post: Flunked That Test- Big Time

Today was the holiday pot luck at work.  The kitchen area was filled with all sorts of great food. The next door office was filled with wonderful looking desserts.

  I had my yogurt that I was planning on eating for breakfast and some southwestern stew that I brought for lunch.

 Did I eat my yogurt breakfast or my lunch?

 I am sure you can guess that the correct answers is of course not!!

 Especially once I saw the spot light from heaven shining down on one of my favorite holiday desserts.

I went and found a picture of it. Actually I never knew its name until now. Saltine Toffee.

So this started the day of diet respite. I wasn't shy and I rationalized with the best of them as why it was not going to be the end of the world or my new lifestyle if I just ate what I wanted. I have to say it turned into a marvelous day, with out an ounce of anxiety or for that matter guilt, it was actually fun cause it felt so wrong in those moments when I allowed myself to peek at reality. 

Addiction

Today I think I accidentally stumbled upon some  insight into what a person with an addiction might feel.. I once upon a time thought I probably had a food addiction. I have been known to wait and sneak some food after others have gone to bed. Hey, my mother reminded me the other day, when I was a kid at one point I took a box of vanilla wafers upstairs ate all but 2 of the wafers, returned the box....apparently I was expecting that no one would notice.  Silly me.   When I had the psychological consult that is mandatory prior to the lap band surgery, I was told no I was not suffering  from food addiction.  OK. Good to know on with my story.

My day started out busy, I was working along doing my thing and at about 10 am I thought to myself I would really love a Moose Tracks Ice Cream cone. The cafeteria sells them. I have had one now and then. There very good and the cold from the ice cream feels so good on my often irritated throat.  It's 480 calories.  58 carbs and a small amount of fat, cause I am sure the scoop of ice cream is  premium.

 I thought this is kind of weird craving an ice cream cone at this hour of the day. So I drank some tea and went on with my morning. Then about 11:17 am on my way to the meeting, I run, that I was late for because of a scheduling issue, I noticed I was thinking about the ice cream cone again.

 Went to the cafeteria to get some soup for lunch. Looked at the ice cream cone and said, "no I really can't do that, no to the ice cream cone".

 So back at my desk. working along and dam that intrusive ice cream cone thought is right back rolling around in my head. I drink some tea, have some water, focus on work. Continue on and about 30 min later you guessed it that ice cream cone is right back in the fore thought of my thinking. This is getting just ridiculous.

At this point I notice my leg is going a mile minute, up and down under my desk,  I am actually, I think, feeling real anxiety. What the heck?

 When did I lose my mind?  Time for a trip to the mental health unit at the hospital for an overhaul?  LOL.   OK this is ridiculous. Where is this pull to an ice cream cone coming from and why am I  not doing a better job of controlling it and making it go away? The more the afternoon went on the more pull I felt to this treat and the more anxious I got.

 At one point I thought OK I can see now how someone who is in a full blown addiction can spend all their time going after what they feel they need. Even if its unhealthy for them.  It's really rather a yucky feeling. Intrusive thought process you just cant make go away.

  I ended up needing a hit of caffeine around 3 pm,(oh boy, that sounded like an addicts response, since when do I talk like that....ah never.) to stay awake and focus for the rest of  the day. While I was in the cafeteria  I bought an ice cream cone.  I brought it upstairs, I put my initials on it. I put it in the freezer in the kitchenette on the unit. I no longer was anxious.  I was pleased with myself that I didn't eat the ice cream cone.

 I did wonder why I needed to have the comfort of an ice cream cone in the freezer with my name on it.  What is the comfort of this food item that I couldn't turn the pervasive thought away until  I gave in and purchased one.  Silly little ice cream cone. 

Random Moments of Sillyness.

Picture this:

 I am alone in the kitchen heading to the freezer to grab a small bowl of sherbert. I open the door and exclaim out loud "OH MY GOSH-CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM". I was so excited some one walking into the room would have thought this was the first time I had ever seen this product.  The funny thing. I ate the sherbet.

I was puttering around in my closet looking for a shirt to wear. I found a nice fleece vest just hanging there. So I put it on.  It fit so I thought OK  I am going to wear this today. I had a turtle neck shirt  it would look nice over top. It was a Big Dog's brand and a guys vest   I know they tend to run big.  I was thinking probably size 2 X..  When I looked at the label and it said XL. I said actually out loud. "Well this is weird. I don't wear XL clothes. This must have the wrong label size on it.  Silly girl....apparently I do wear a Men's XL in some things. The level of my disbelief is what took me by surprise.  What a hoot.

I realized the other day that I am drawn to  meatless dishes. My husband, Jonathan asked me what I wanted to have for supper the other night. He is the chef here. I quickly replied. I would love kidney beans, black beans, corn, red and green peppers, celery and some diced tomatoes. Like a stew. He said " no meat"? with out missing a beat I say "right no meat".  "Oh some cumin as a spice would be nice".  It turned out wonderful. We labeled it Southwestern Stew and its now on my favorites list, I think I would be content to eat it for lunch several times a week.  One day while Christmas shopping we had lunch at Longhorn. I ordered Spinach/Artichoke dip with tortilla chips as my meal.  I took a moment to savor the fact that this dish made me very happy and content.   When did I morph into a "kinda vegetarian".. Well I say "kinda" cause lets face it. I will always love bacon, please don't ever take that away from me. I also like eggs and cheese.  It seems odd to me that I am no longer wanting meat.  Perhaps its just to hard to chew and to eat it properly it takes so much longer. 

It's just funny how things sneak up on me and I don't realize whats changed until it becomes like second nature.  Don't pat me on the back yet........cause I do like a moose tracks ice cream cone from the cafeteria at work on the afternoons when i just need some extra calories. LOL. 


Thanks for reading. 

" I want to see what you look like thin

before I die, so losing one  pound a week is going to take years and I am not going to live much longer," these were the words my Mother just said to me over the phone when I called to check in with her. She was here for dinner but wasn't feeling that great. She has COPD and was a little more short of breath then her baseline.

  I am not sure how I feel about this statement of hers.  I think I feel pressure to please. A little guilt that I am in the position that I have to loose so much weight in the first place.  If I hadn't come so far emotionally with self esteem etc this would be the kind of thing that would either have me running to food for comfort or turning anger in on myself.

 Actually as I type this I think and excuse my language but it just "sucks".  What happens if I fail because I am trying to get the weight off faster than my mental status can handle. I swear when it comes to weight and food and overeating it is very much a mental game more than a physical game. I don't know yet the treshold for lossing control and getting triggered to overeat again. I am still a newbie in my recovery and life style change.  Certainly with the lap band as my tool the chances of overeating are less because its harder to do, but its not impossible.

 I wonder why  the 47 + lbs I have already lost can't be good enough. I wonder why  that's not an accomplishment in its own right. I feel its an accomplishment. Hey, I think 10 lbs is an accomplishment in a person who has always used food to soothe because frankly people are not always available to turn too but there is never a time where there is no food. Especially on Thanksgiving.

 Why can't she be happy with me for being me, why can't she see the real me the inner person who has some pretty nice ways and qualities, and was able to make her laugh even when she is talking about her own fears and mortality because when she said "when you get older these will be the things you think about, the things you wont live to long enough to see"  My response was telling her that I expect to be a happily demented person sitting in my nursing home room with hopefully a crayon/pencil and some paper.  Entertaining myself.

 I listen with out judgement and support the best I can.

Does the goal line always have to move just when I get  to the top of the hill and can just about see the goal posts in the distance. ( can you tell I am watching the Patriots game)

This post isn't the one I had originally planned. This post just kind of created itself when I sat down in front of my lap top and put my fingers on the home row.  

Whats running around in my mind at this point is to try for a short time protein shakes for breakfast and lunch and then regular food for supper. Perhaps that will yield more than a pound a week and of course a need to step up the exercise.

I think the word "Pressure Cooker" says it all.

Thanks for reading and bearing with me while I vent.    

It's the little things I notice

but it often takes a while. Like automatically bending over to pick up a pencil I just dropped, having a co-worker then give me a high five because I bent over from my waist and my feet were not 4 miles apart, they were actually almost together.

Realizing after only one piece of pizza tonight that I am full. Instead of eating 4 slices and still wanting more.  Giving up diet soda and coffee and getting into loose leaf tea and flavored waters with out even missing the coffee. I miss the diet soda. That's not to say I wont have a cup of coffee now and then cause its still something I enjoy. I made the transition so easily,  sometimes when I really stop and think about it, I am breathless, all the transitions since July simply takes my breath away.  I have apparently done some letting go.

I am doing things at work that I never thought I would have the opportunity to do. Like running meetings, putting together my first power point presentation. Creative with helping patients problem solve. Enjoying a schedule I have a tiny bit of control over. Finding my potential. Again I have a distance to go as there are moments when I still feel pangs of inadequacy but they are less often and much shorter periods, I think that is normal of the human experience.  So this life style change is really changing all of my life at this moment, no regrets in any of the decisions I have made, even the not so great ones because I have learned something about my self in each of those moments.

Pulling out of the closet some of the clothes I haven't worn in 5 or 6 yrs gives me pause to realize how blessed I am not because I can once again wear these clothes but because of all that's happened in the time span. A loss of a cherished lake front cottage and the acquiring of information that  I was adopted, meeting my biological family while still maintaining a great relationship with my family. That might sound weird but I know what I mean. Giggle.

I can say that I am a published illustrator (Thank you D.Ann Hollon for your faith in me.)  I think I found my art niche, ages 4-7. Let's face it, makes sense because I often eat with a baby fork or spoon now. I eat food that is soft like cream of wheat, yogurt, apple sauce, Italian ice and  thin crackers are my go to foods these days. Seems fitting that my art career,  should go in that direction too.

The dog likes to sleep in my emerging lap. Probably cause I am very soft and squishy as I am not skin and bones, yet.  Probably never be skin and bones but that's just fine with me.  Losing one pound a week is good for me too. This is not a race and I am not in a hurry. I don't care if others think it should be 5 lbs a week.

I am noticing that I am going for vegetables and dairy more than meats and high carbohydrate foods. Oh don't get me wrong I am no goodies two shoes with this diet. I have consumed a whole bag of cheese corn curls one entire weekend. However it was done in portions and not in only one or two sittings.  I ate some cake also enjoyed some pie.

  I vision my thanksgiving dinner plate with a teaspoon of many different things.  It will be interesting to see how reality plays out. I am hoping my eating wont be the focus of the day. I worry my mother with say, can you have that, can you have this... just let me do my thing and I will be fine.

 I am learning what I need to do, like going to a retirement party the other night. I took my thermos of peach momato (blooming tea) with me and leisurely sipped on that all evening. I wasn't hungry, I was happy and content to focus on talking with co-workers and enjoying the surroundings not giving much thought to the food. I did after several people asked if I was going to eat have a bite of chili and a meat ball.  In the past it would have been the first thing I would have wanted to do.  EAT.

I am thinking more about exercise. I am doing it more....it's still an area that needs some work. I am however walking up stairs. I can actually breathe at the top of the stair case but I will admit the arthritis in my knees has not noticed that I have lost weight.

I am very slowly finding my confidence and my voice. There are many area's where I am still shall we say timid, I am a work in progress and I hope to be always learning something new.  I just realized that the timing of this particular post as it speaks to what I am thankful for is perfect as its almost Thanksgiving.  Happy Holidays. I hope you can enjoy the day in the way it works for you.

Thanks for reading.