" I want to see what you look like thin

before I die, so losing one  pound a week is going to take years and I am not going to live much longer," these were the words my Mother just said to me over the phone when I called to check in with her. She was here for dinner but wasn't feeling that great. She has COPD and was a little more short of breath then her baseline.

  I am not sure how I feel about this statement of hers.  I think I feel pressure to please. A little guilt that I am in the position that I have to loose so much weight in the first place.  If I hadn't come so far emotionally with self esteem etc this would be the kind of thing that would either have me running to food for comfort or turning anger in on myself.

 Actually as I type this I think and excuse my language but it just "sucks".  What happens if I fail because I am trying to get the weight off faster than my mental status can handle. I swear when it comes to weight and food and overeating it is very much a mental game more than a physical game. I don't know yet the treshold for lossing control and getting triggered to overeat again. I am still a newbie in my recovery and life style change.  Certainly with the lap band as my tool the chances of overeating are less because its harder to do, but its not impossible.

 I wonder why  the 47 + lbs I have already lost can't be good enough. I wonder why  that's not an accomplishment in its own right. I feel its an accomplishment. Hey, I think 10 lbs is an accomplishment in a person who has always used food to soothe because frankly people are not always available to turn too but there is never a time where there is no food. Especially on Thanksgiving.

 Why can't she be happy with me for being me, why can't she see the real me the inner person who has some pretty nice ways and qualities, and was able to make her laugh even when she is talking about her own fears and mortality because when she said "when you get older these will be the things you think about, the things you wont live to long enough to see"  My response was telling her that I expect to be a happily demented person sitting in my nursing home room with hopefully a crayon/pencil and some paper.  Entertaining myself.

 I listen with out judgement and support the best I can.

Does the goal line always have to move just when I get  to the top of the hill and can just about see the goal posts in the distance. ( can you tell I am watching the Patriots game)

This post isn't the one I had originally planned. This post just kind of created itself when I sat down in front of my lap top and put my fingers on the home row.  

Whats running around in my mind at this point is to try for a short time protein shakes for breakfast and lunch and then regular food for supper. Perhaps that will yield more than a pound a week and of course a need to step up the exercise.

I think the word "Pressure Cooker" says it all.

Thanks for reading and bearing with me while I vent.